smokey eyed

Sitting with the view of a big tree right in front of my eyes, it gives a feeling of a total shut down to whole towns and I can hear little birds chipping even in the middle of the night, I truly feel my presence as I am typing this sentence.

I guess I always doubt my passion in writing, I think that I was never meant to be a professional writer because I hate grammar as much as I hate my mind right now. The thing about both, sometimes it sickens me to death how I need to be sure about every word, what it means, what I meant by saying it.
I remember the first time I wrote, it was a mess, but I was, still am, I just think it was really stupid and an ugly writing, especially when I talk about my feelings, guess I never was an open book, hard to read cause I won’t let anyone drawn into me, more like I was scared.

But today, that feeling came out of nowhere all of a sudden, before I realized, I had my laptop in my hand (try as much as I can to make it function cause its almost broken), I type every thought before I knew it was supposed to be let out in the first place cause my second guessing is killing me. So to be fair, I think I need a reason to write again just so it doesn’t just look like some of my impulsive behavior, but to be honest with you, I don’t have any reason, its nothing poetic, there no philosophical way to describe it, I mean no offense, I love philosophy I could find myself relentlessly scrolling thru words of wise on Meditations book by Marcus Aurelius, I swear I’ve been obsessed with it. But this one I don’t have any explanation, maybe i am just bored.

Anyway, a little rant about philosophy, my favorite one is Stoicism, I love how those Stoa are all wise, even in the middle of a chaotic world, I remember watching the biography about Seneca and how wealthy he was, still he was very mindful about his possessions. Something very rare to seen in this 21st century. Before I turn this into a lecture lets just end it here, I don’t have much to share, and I know if I continue its just gonna be another trash that I’ll soon delete, if ever I have the time and space and energy to write again, I’ll keep up with another one, thanks for reading this though, I don’t even know why are you here, but have a great day 🙂

Do you remember the last time you grab a book? the one you have always been read, the favourite one which always makes you stay positive, guess your favourite thing has replaced by the technology you check all the time, 24/7 in your pocket.

lahir di zaman dimana teknologi sedang berkembang pesat, blessed and cursed at the same time , kembali pada waktu gue berumur 5 tahun saat gue tidak mengetahui apapun berhubungan dengan ponsel, sepertinya tidak ada beban sama sekali, entah karena memang gue belum mengerti tentang beratnya beban dunia atau karena memang pada saat itu gue sibuk bermain bersama teman-teman, kalau sekarang rasanya sudah lupa seperti apa hidup tanpa gadget, dimanapun dan kapanpun pasti menemukan pemandangan masyarakat yang bercengkrama dengan ponselnya.

sebenarnya banyak sekali manfaat ponsel, terlebih saat ini muncul inovasi yang dikenal dengan smartphone yang super canggih, tapi semakin kesini sepertinya tujuan awal kegunaan benda tersebut mulai tergantikan. jujur gue bukan social media expert yang bisa selalu mengontrol diri dari membuka platform-platform yang semakin kesini makin beragam tapi, gue mulai sadar betapa banyak waktu yang terbuang sia-sia karena penggunaan social media yang berlebihan.

anyway bicara tentang penggunaan social media yang berlebihan, gue mau sedikit membahas soal buku ‘sprint’ by Jake Knapp, John Zeratsky and Braden Kowitz, dimana terdapat salah satu pernyataan yang berkaitan dengan sosial media yaitu infinity pools -cukup mindblowing- dimana pada hakikatnya sosial media dirancang dengan tidak memiliki batasan terhadap kontennya, seperti contoh content suggestion yang selalu muncul di Instagram atau Youtube yang menimbulkan distraksi dari melakukan kegiatan lainnya, dan membuat kita susah untuk menutup layar ponsel.

untuk beberapa orang mungkin social media menjadi sarana untuk menuangkan kreatifitas ataupun media ber-business yang menghasilkan uang, tidak ada yang salah dari hal tersebut. namun, terkadang kita lupa, untuk menjalani hidup secara nyata dan bebas dari opini dunia maya, hal yang tadinya bisa menjadi peluang untuk meningkatkan kualitas hidup dengan adanya pengakuan atas karya yang dibuat, malah bisa menimbulkan keributan dan saling menyerang di social media. mulai dari perebutan soal hak cipta dan plagiarisme yang dianggap bukan hal serius, hingga pelecehan di dunia maya.

satu lagi hal yang menurut gue sangat risky yaitu kesehatan mental para pengguna social media, dengan adanya fenomena body shaming, hate speech, bullying, etc. terlihat sepele mungkin bagi beberapa pihak namun, hal itu akan sangat berbahaya bagi korbannya. keberadaan orang-orang yang menggunakan social media sebagai sarana untuk memuaskan ego nya demi mencaci atau memberi ujaran kebencian terhadap orang lain, tanpa menyadari perbuatannya, merupakan korban dari ketidakmampuan untuk berpikir rasional dari tindakannya.

jadi kesimpulan yang ingin gue share kali ini adalah, untuk kembali mengingat dan memahami tujuan awal dari penggunaan gadget dan social media, meskipun dengan semakin berkembangnya platform yang bervariatif, karena setiap hal di dunia memiliki kelebihan atau manfaat namun jika tidak digunakan dengan bijak dapat menimbulkan kerugian hingga menjadi racun bagi penggunanya, sounds so exaggerate but its true so dont let social media intoxicate your social life.

HI FOLKS, this will be my first post in 2019, from now on, I’ll try to post more often, especially I decided to be more productive this year *meanwhile me trying not to bullshitting myself.*

How’s everybody’s doing these days? wish GOD will give us more strength to cope up with the problems we’ve been & about to fight for.

for started, I wanna write a recap of what 2018 have done to me, if I can be really honest, it was a really tough year, with so many probs in my life, the ups and downs, struggles, especially my mental issue, dealing with anxiety and my depression was exhausting. so many things stressed me out, from my family, friends, school, but the major battle is myself. last year had changed me a lot, I became a loner, pushed people away when I actually need a support system, I am being hard on myself, I am just full of negativity, sometimes I can laugh but it will not happened for so long, mood swing, being toxic,  many more.

But actually, that’s okay, there’s always a good side of a story, in a positive way, I think I am stronger than before and I learned to trust my fate, God never gives a problems that U can’t resolve, thats my most believe, and now I feel better.

AND ITS 2019 ALREADY!…

I am not celebrating it but I took it as a new journal, new beginning and new better way of thinking. I think I got an idea of my 2019 resolution from some YT video that I watched yesterday, I wrote a couple of things on my journal.

• Get Healthier

I’ve made a plan in 2018, to get a gym membership, but I have never really done anything so, I hope this year, I actually get it because I am not really doing a specific sport, I am thinking of getting muscles because it’ll be healthier rather than being full of fat calories.

• Toefl/Ielts

disclaimer, If you notice, that I’ve been writing any content in english all the time, because I really want to improve my writing skill in english, because I’ve been planning to take a test of english proficiency, I am still working on it, I know my grammar is worse so I hope people willing to understand, and btw I don’t think about is as a shame, shout out to people who are willing to learn no matter how critics they get from grammar Nazi ;D

• Be present

I realized, last year I became the worst version of myself, I had trust issues with people, I ignored people a lot, it just me pretending that I can do anything with myself only. the fact, I am just overthinking everything, even when I am hanging out with people, my body was there, but not with my thought, so this year I want to be more present to the moments that happen in front of me, and start to reach out to people, carpe diem!

• self-love

this topic has always been my favourite, I really appreciate people who gives themselves a credits instead of blaming on what they aren’t capable of doing. I wanted to learn to love myself more every single day, because you can love someone as much as you can, but at the end of the day you only have yourself, that’s what matter, and it’s not about being selfish at all, it’s the way of learning to be more grateful for who you really are, even on a bad day, when you are feeling down, you still matter, and thats the fact.

I think that’s all my 2019 resolution for now, I just want to focus on the specific thing for now, rather than having a lot of stuff to do but end up doing nothing, I really hope this year will be better in every way, I know the problems still gonna be there as long as we are still alive to teach us to be a grateful creatures, also make us stronger and never forget that there’s always a good side of a story, positive impact, moral value, if only we stop for awhile and see a little closer to what the world great message, God bless everybody.

I want to burn what I don’t need, lay out everyone of my belongings, have the grace to set some free, I just want to burn what I do not need. 

its currently 2.11 am at midnight accompanied with ‘guard’ by Logan Vath, and im such a mess, such a m e s s.

its already 3 months since i was just complaining about my last life with God. i havent gotten my happiness again yet. a couple of hours ago i was just scrolling to instagram and suddenly got sad because im afraid this is the only thing that im capable of doing with my life. you can argue about how my life actually better than anyone else’s. but believe me im grateful enough, it just.. hard and stuck. im such unorganized person, such a messy creature, i cant even decide a single thing to do than being miserable.

u probably think, ‘no btj u r just lazy’ Yes im lazy, but its not as simple as that, way more complicated. and i cant explain in clearly way.

‘what is life actually?’ ‘why cant i just do something?’ ‘why’s this such a mess?’ im still figuring out the answer of those simple yet complicated and puzzled questions. i honestly have no idea what to write anymore, alot of things spinning in my head, wont stop,and i cant tell what to do. sorry this content just TOO AbsTraCt..

i wish i had a chance to turn back time to when it started messy, i cant recall when exactly that happened, but i wanted to come back to the first day of high school, to finish what i havent finished yet. there were a lot. now i got the answer of the statement ‘dont waste your teenager life and just have fun’ ITS SO WRONG, im telling u, i had been having fun yet not having fun and its ruining my life rn, believe me that statement oriented to short term of happiness, if u want to have a long term happy life, fight for it untill u r bleeding of sickness, because that thing is hard to get but hard means that a thing matters to fight for.

im full of regrets about the whole thing when i was in school, just because im not thinking properly about my future,

that gives a message to my future self, if u read this, worth the time and fight for a thing u want to get, so that u will not regret a single thing and have a messy life as this moment i experienced.